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The Conflict Toolbox
PO Box 11002
Dunedin 9049
Mobile: 021 232 6805

And Blog: The Conflict Tool Box


Fiona White

ANLP Professional Member


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Insights – Healing – Empowerment

The wise man doesn’t give the right answers, 
he poses the right questions

Claude Levi-Strauss

Tips and Tools

Here are 3 simple things to make life easier – have fun playing with them:

  • Firstly, use the verb 'doing' instead of 'having' or 'being' - this creates a temporariness to the state, which lightens the impact of the words, and creates more feeling of having choice.  Just try saying to yourself, "I'm doing frustration/annoyed/confused/non-calm” (at the moment/right now)". Notice how this feels lighter, and has more potential for change.

  • Secondly, start removing non-useful words from your language, such as 'should, have to, must, need to, and ought to'. These words weigh heavily on our shoulders when we use them internally, externally, or receive them from others. So instead of "I should do it", try saying 'I am (not) going to do it"; instead of "I should have done it", try saying "I did/didn't do it". Instead of "I must", try saying "I choose (not) to do this because it is (not) valuable/useful for me (or because I can see how valuable it is for you)". This is just a simple overview, but I'm sure you get the picture.

  • Thirdly, using more positive language by changing words like anxiety to non-calm, useless to non-useful, etc.  Focus on what you want (rather than what you don't).  The more you do this, the better you will feel.

Finally, a quick note, to quote what Phil Parker (of PPTI) says - people are naturally geniuses.  People who do procrastination really well are geniuses at it.  People doing anxiety (or non-calm) who have panic attacks are also geniuses at what they are doing.  We are all geniuses at whatever we are doing to a high level. Therefore, if we can take that ability and commitment, and those skills and apply them to something more useful, that would be pretty awesome, wouldn't it.  A great first step forward can be to realise and acknowledge this.

You might also like to check out the latest Tips and Tools on The Conflict Toolbox Facebook page.



Call Fiona today on 021 232 6805 or send an email to to chat about whether Life Skills Coaching might be right for you.

Links to more tips and tools:

Phil Parker - Brilliant NLP tools for a great life

Brene Brown - Vulnerability, shame, and wholeheartedness

Brene Brown - The Price of Invulnerability

Brene Brown - Braving the Wilderness